Mercenaries

Yesterday, I couldn’t stop thinking about someone who hurt me badly a few months ago. I hadn’t thought of this person in at least a month, and then BAM, I’m in it.

I know where this train of thought leads. It is not a happy place. My defenses tell me to ignore the memory. I listen. I try. I fail.

The memory comes roaring back, stronger than before. This repeats. It’s not as simple as just “ignoring” negative thoughts. How come?

Energy is the currency of my psyche. My attention is the bank distributing it. And my thoughts are gluttonous mercenaries whose martial art is judo. They feed on any energy routed to them by my attention, swelling up and working for or against me in direct proportion to how much they receive.

They are insatiable. It doesn’t matter whether they are useful or not. All thoughts share this “biological makeup.” Any energy I send them via attention, these judo masters amplify and turn back upon me. Including the energy sent while forcibly trying to ignore them.

Ignoring is the right approach, but I’m doing it all wrong. I’m not ignoring, I’m resisting. And resisting is a conscious act that in this case, gives my energy to the enemy and helps him hurt me. To truly ignore, I need to dismiss my negative thoughts without resistance and give them absolutely no energy, no currency with which to do their traitorous work.

The only fix is to go to the root cause: the source that is dispensing currency. To go into the bank vault of my psyche, do an audit, and fire the bastard who is giving to the enemy.

And this is why I meditate.